"The trick is to recognize when a 'goodbye' can be a good thing when it's a chance to start over"~Betty Suarez
With that said I would like to take the opportunity to bow out of the music building, and all the drama that comes with it.
College is supposed to be a learning experience in itself. What I've learned so far is that you can't trust anybody. I know this is going far beyond my whole "stay positive" spiel, but hear me out for a second. Wednesday night's meeting with Isaac made me realize my anger in more ways than one. I've always been an angry person, but never really knew how to deal with it without resorting to violence. My vow for this year is to be positive, and that means no more anger. This also means house cleaning for my life. We discussed the major issues from this past semester one final time before we dropped the vase. It shattered into a million pieces, in fact it's now dust. Oh look, there's some blowing away! All this self doubting has to come to an end. I've told myself countless times that I will never devalue myself as a person, especially my potential, but I always find a way to get around. This time around it hasn't been my subconscious tearing down myself, but so called friends. Jessica once told me that I can't save the world, and my rebuttal was that it couldn't hurt to try. As a matter of fact it does. I've learned this the hard way, in more ways than one! You can't help those who can't help themselves. There's a fine line between sympathy and seeking attention, it's just determining where the person falls. I've always been the person who will fight to the very end to seek justice and closure, never wanting to give up. I have to realize that I can't fix everybody. As I recall this is why I dabbled in psychology during my senior year in to my first year of college. Being surrounded by so many broken people who claimed that they had no one to talk to made me see how something as simple as talking could help. What I didn't realize was that I was just as broken as they were. This past semester brought on so much personal drama that I ever cared to involve myself in. Some of it was involuntary, but there was some that I chose to enter knowing what the outcome would be. Again, "it couldn't hurt to try." By the end of the day I found myself in a center of a war that I couldn't get myself out of. I lost one friend due to my animated, angry mouth and mind, and almost lost another to a vicious rumor started about me. I voluntarily let go of another friendship, because this person is the cause of the rumor. With a month of winter break, I sat in my room wondering why I haven't heard from people so much. Past breaks were spent trying to hang out every chance we get, and it would always end with "See you on Monday," or what have you. The phone was silent, facebook was pretty empty. In my solitude I began to re-evaluate my life and everything and everyone around me. Isaac had me list my new years resolutions starting with what I felt is top priority. My list is as follows:
2. Concentrate more on my work and on myself.
3. Stay away from the music building.
4. Focus more on my art.
5. Don't rush in to a relationship, let it happen.
Number three is going to be a challenge. It is second nature for me to go from Towson to MC, walk into the music building and pick where I left off. I thought all would be well since I'm one of the originals there, but I have to realize that I'm no longer part of that circle. The day I got my acceptance letter was the day everything changed. This past semester made me see who was still my friend and who wasn't. I was asked who I came to visit every time I would show up to the music building, and at first I said "everyone." Now that I think about it, the list has narrowed down to maybe 3-4 people at the most...it's getting closer to no one at all. As depressing as that sounds, my only reader once told me that friends will come and go. Isaac told me the same thing, but this was also followed with "family will always be there." He is so right. They are both right. During this break I found myself hanging out with my cousins more than my friends. I've taken on Flora's mentality of "guilty until proven innocent." To sum things up in a nutshell, I find myself not trusting anyone anymore. Isaac told me that I was being a good friend, and did/said what I needed to do/say, and I shouldn't feel guilty for it. Trust me, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty. One of my good friends was pissed at me for something I supposedly did, which was false. The damage has been done, and there's still trust issues. Now the roles have reversed and I'm starting to suspect her of backstabbing me. In this life you can only be so lucky to find at least one person you can truly say that you trust. I thought I had 20 or so, I was wrong. Part of me doesn't want to say that I suspect everyone, but I have no reason not to. I don't know why it came as a shock to me when the music building drama said that it's time for me to get hit. Ever since this group assembled, it has been drama galore. If we were a show, we'd beat out Days of Our Lives. Maybe the Real World would have featured us twice! When it comes down to it, I'm no longer part of Montgomery College. The drama is irrelevant to me. On that note I say to you,
It was fun and I will enjoy those happy memories, but this is the end. I confessed to Isaac that my first semester at Towson was one of the happiest semester I've ever had. I stayed away from the music building for two reasons: 1) no time, 2) fear of getting kicked out of school. During orientation day the university counselors told us that the first semester is where people royally screw up the most. Once they screw up they get placed on academic probation and potentially get kicked out. I was swamped with work and I didn't want to get kicked out of school, so maintained focus. I received guilt trips about not visiting, but I had good reason. Yes I missed out on so much, but at least my work didn't suffer. Now that I made time to visit, I see that people are slowly starting to loathe my very existence.
All this frustration had me turning to the very people who know me the best: mom and dad. Dad would always tell me not to pay any attention to negativity, because those are the people who are jealous and are trying to bring you down. Mom would tell me to cut them out of my life, because I don't need that. Growing up I was also told that I didn't need to prove myself to anyone, because I know who I am. I will admit that lately I have been very blunt and brutally honest in various ways, but understand where I'm coming from. I've always been the girl trying to fit it and was always nice. In return I was taken advantage of, and I find myself in that very predicament once again. Understand that I don't talk shit, I state the obvious and I state the truth and as the old saying goes, "the truth hurts." I was recently given a proposition by a friend saying that we haven't hung out and that it must change. I bite and agree that it must change. Shortly after that, I receive a message from a certain someone saying that he was told things that he doesn't appreciate hearing. Part of me starts to suspect this hang out that was scheduled for this weekend, like I could be getting set up. I discussed this with various family members and another friend I felt like I could trust. I said that if I do hear back with details and do meet up, and find an unwanted guest, I'm leaving. As the days get closer and closer towards the weekend, my suspicions grow higher. I never got a reply or any indication of what the deal is for the weekend, so therefore I cancel to save me the trouble. How hard is it to accept that I don't want to talk to you anymore? I have a lot more to say about this matter, but I'd rather not for the sake of keeping my new years resolution. Plus I have a few choice words tell someone that will only make things worse. Positive. Positive.
Talking with Isaac also lead to the discussion of having God in our lives. We both talked about how we've had destructive pasts, and how all of this has changed. He's a Messianic Jew and I'm Catholic, but he showed me how much more our two religions connect aside from the information that I already knew. It lead to a two hour long discussion in my car, and how God has helped us in various ways. We briefly discussed Job, and how he went through a painful test of faith. I told him about my high school past, and how it was similar to Job but I did lose my faith. Senior year I lost what I thought was everything, and almost lost my future. I was going through ye olde high school drama and was fighting with my then best friend. I failed math, which in turn nearly cost me graduating. I had to take Saturday school and quit chorus to take an additional math course to meet the credits. Registration for Saturday school was a nightmare in itself. The line wrapped around the entire school and the teacher and principals there doing crowd control informed us that there may not be enough sections to admit all these students. There were students and parents there the night before who weren't able to register because the school was closing, but they received numbers. I almost had a panic attack on the spot, because this showed me how much I really screwed up. My dad and some other parents joined in arguing with the principals about how this is crap and that you can't turn us all away. This little Hispanic woman came to me in the middle of the chaos and grabbed my arm. She assumed I was Spanish and started speaking to me in Spanish. I told her that I wasn't and my dad saw what was going on and walked over to confront her. She pulled me closer to her and I gave her a confused look. She told my dad to go tell the principal that we were here the night before and never received a number. My dad in turn told another mother. This little Hispanic woman held on to my arm and told me that everything will be fine. When it was time to register for classes for those who had the numbers, I realized that this woman helped me cut to the front of the line. We were called over shortly after she went ahead to register for English classes for herself, and she came back to check and see if I got the class I needed. Walking down the halls towards the parking lot, I kept muttering "Thank you, God!" I sat in the car in disbelief as my dad went on about how lucky I was that the lady came around. All I could say was that she was an angel sent by God. My dad then asked me, "now do you believe?!" I was in church that following Sunday. I don't remember what she looks like, except for that she was shorter than I was. I never knew her name, but I can't thank her enough for what she did for me. She really was an angel sent by God! If Job can endure such hardship that he did and never lose his faith, then so can I. All that talk about religion made me want to read the bible, so I went out and got one today haha! Isaac made a good point about reading it though, "don't look at it as a chore, if you like to read look at it as a regular book."
As far as my relationship situation goes, I told Isaac that I will just take things in stride. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I found myself watching (500) Days of Summer again, and I feel like it does describe my romantic shenanigans that I get myself into. There is such thing as true love and destiny, only the person you believe you're destined to be with could be the wrong person. When the right person does come around, you just know. Although I am still in denial that my dad knew anything about my past situation, my dad is right when he tells me that "the right guy is out there, you just haven't found him yet." The wait just sucks, but I know it'll be worth while when the time finally comes.
I told Isaac about how his "drop the vase" tactic inspired me to create a new project involving smashing plates. It'll be therapeutic and artistic. At least this will subdue my urge to want to smash anything for a while.
Given the fact that it is a new year and a new decade, I wanted a new look to go along with my new persona this year. I cut my hair. I would say that I cut off about a good 12-13 inches. About 5-6 inches that was first cut off is going to be donated towards locks for love. I was really thrilled about that when the stylist asked me if it was okay that she do that. I was in desperate need of a haircut in the first place, and as much as I'll miss my long, long hair, it'll grow back. It's a new year which calls for a new hairstyle.
I have a lot to think about this semester and this year. I need to constantly re-evaluate my situation and the people around me before I get dragged into another issue again. If I feel frustrated I have a lot of people I can talk to, most of them is family. I always need to remember to "drop the vase" every now and again. As much as I really dislike this band, I feel the need to quote Fall Out Boy in this closing statement,
"One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even if they weren't so great..."
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