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I'm in the process of searching for internships and jobs, and so far I have gig hopefully lined up for me. Flora says that a family friend is a photographer for National Geographic and is willing to have me intern for him. I'm so excited, but at the same time I'm trying to find my own stuff just be to safe. It's such a pain in the ass searching. This past week I've been trying to suppress my quarter life crisis and I'm on the verge of having a meltdown. The realities of life are heavily punching me in the face, and I'm taking every fiber of my being to fight back. So far life-1, me -0. I'm still under the belief that I need to get out of Maryland and discover the world. I know I will find my niche elsewhere, which would explain why I'm having such a hard time finding a job here.

Graduation is only coming much sooner, and I need to find a job within my degree field, even if it's just general art. Andrew made an appearance at Saphire last night, which was a huge surprise. He made it to NYC and has gigs left and right in jazz bands and plays clubs almost every night. Now he's the new drummer for the Pietasters, and his career is skyrocketing. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not the least bit envious that he made it to NYC. It's been my dream, but given my circumstances, my potential relocation had come to a hault. My dad was willing to let me go, but financially it wasn't sound. And that's something I completely understand, because I'm not going to financially destroy my family just so I could follow my dream. I will get to New York on my own terms, but for now I'm going to have to do the grunt work. This means get through school, find some local jobs, continue freelance stuff, and then make my way to the big city.

I guess it's just time for my semi-annual meltdowns. I keep reminiscing about my dreams since I was a child, and this is how I never imagined my life. As far as I can remember, my dreams were

0-3 years old: ballerina
3-7: nurse
7-8: doctor
8: artist
8-12: doctor
12-14: undecided
15-18: psychologist
18-20: musician
20: undecided
20.5-now: artist

There are other aspects of my life in which I never imagined it would be this way. I think I'm just speaking out of sheer frustration because I have friends who have graduated on time, have fabulous jobs, great boyfriends/husbands, starting new beginnings in other cities, starting families...where as I'm still stuck in that small house in suburbia living with my parents and my dog. Although the later is more a cultural thing, I just want to get out to prove that I am very self sufficient. I understand and appreciate that my parents still worry for me since I am the only child, but I need to get out of here. I'm suffocating and this is why I can't find a fucking job!

I keep telling myself that I'm enduring this hardship because it'll all payoff in the end, like it does in the movies. Everyone tells me that, but what if I'm going to end up a nobody still stuck in suburbia working a dead end, thankless job. My dad believes that I will make it, and he keeps reminding me that the day I should give up is the day he gives up. My dad is not one to ever give up on anything, he will always find a light at the end of the tunnel. He knows that frustration will always be there, but the biggest task is proving yourself to be the better person and fighting your way out. Recently he reminded me that I have my grandma's spirit, charm, and smile, and that I need to learn how to utilize it. It's true, my grandma didn't have the easiest life; some would say that they wouldn't want to be in her shoes even for a minute. Despite the hardships that was her life, she still managed to charm people with her contagious smile and always made the best out of her situation. Even when you saw the sorrow on her face, she still remained strong spirited. Normally this is where I would say I wish I could be as strong as she was, but I won't. I am as strong as she was and I just need to channel that. Even when things got tough she never let frustration get the best of her. I feel like it's time for a letter, only this time it's not going to be anonymous.

Dear Grandma,

Words cannot express how much I miss you. I really wish you were physically here right now. Just the sound of your voice is so comforting. I miss our talks, you were always encouraging me and telling me that I will make it. I miss your stories about life in the Philippines and Guam. No matter what obstacles life threw at you, you always took on the challenge with a smile on your face. No matter how hard life gets, nothing beats a hug and a "that's enough bon, you're going to be okay."

I just wish that I had more time with you here. I know that you're looking after me know, that you're with me every step of the way. Through every struggle, every triumph, and every lesson, you're right there next to me. You're still there giving me strength and lifting me off the ground when I feel like all is lost. Even though I can't physically see and hear you, I feel your presence around me. I love you grandma, and I miss you every day.

Always,
Your Bonny Rabbit.